I had a friend in elementary school named Alexa. Although I am unfortunately no longer in touch with her now, she was one of my closest friends ever throughout my 6 years at Baylis Elementary. I would play minecraft with her after school, talk with her before we were allowed in the classroom, play with her during recess, and make stupid jokes with her during class. The earliest memory that I have with her is in 2nd grade, Ms. Coritore’s class. We were taking a State Exam called the Terra Nova (side note: there was no reason for the test to be named with such an intimidating title. We are in 2nd grade like they seriously couldn’t think of a less menacing name), and for some reason I was absolutely terrified to take this test. Maybe it was because of the intimidating title or maybe it was because it was the first state test I have ever taken, but for some reason I just really didn’t want to take this test. And apparently, the girl I was sitting next to had the same thought as well because when the test started, neither of us picked up our pencils. I look over to her desk and see the girl silently giggling as she realizes that neither of us have any intention of actually trying on this exam. And so, for the remainder of the time, we proceeded to write messages on little post it notes and hold them up for each other to read while the test was going on around us. And that’s how I met Alexa!

Looking back on it, I am perhaps realizing that the reason why I didn’t get into Project Beyond in elementary school was because I never took those exams seriously. This is a bit of a side tangent to what I actually want to write about, but I remember being absolutely crushed that all of my friends like Patrick Leonard, Jayson Choi, or Jynnie Yang were all getting into Project Beyond (which is like the gifted program in Syosset), while I was just left behind in the dirt. And I have to say that absolutely crippled my self esteem and academic worth as a 5th grader. I have this distinct memory of crying in my parents’ bed thinking that I was stupid because I didn’t make it into this “Project Beyond” program. I had no clue what criteria was needed to get into the program so I just thought that the teachers specifically picked out the special students and left the “regulars” behind. But now I learnt that the program was just dependent on getting a good score on one of those stupid tests. 

Anyways, back to the topic I wanted to talk about. So I spent a good chunk of time with Alexa throughout elementary school. But even though she was the nicest person ever, there was one thing that she would not tolerate: if you mentioned anything romantic related to her. Like if you shipped her with any guy, asked her who she liked, asked her on a date, or anything related to “liking,” Alexa would just completely ignore you. And even though I didn’t directly do anything related to that, a rumor spread around school that Alexa and I went on a “Minecraft Date” together and just like that, I instantly lost one of my closest friends in elementary school. She would completely ignore me and refused to be seen around school with me; and as a stubborn 11 year old I just pretended like I didn’t care and did the same. But I did care, and that really hurt me even if I didn’t show it. Okay anyways, that’s the story of how I didn’t talk to her for over 7 years…

However, the story doesn’t just end there. It wasn’t until senior year of high school in the last few months before graduation where I finally built the courage to approach her again. I saw her sitting in the library, and even though I had biology class, I decided that I couldn’t give myself any more excuses and introduced myself again. She remembered who I was, had obviously gotten over the rumor about our “minecraft date,” and was really enthusiastic about the idea of being friends with me again! I was absolutely thrilled: she was the last person in high school who I really wanted to connect with after losing touch. So after learning it was her lunch period, I ended up skipping bio multiple times that week to talk to her throughout those last moments of senior year (maybe that’s why Ms. Steinberg really didn’t like me…). We talked for a bit, and eventually she had asked me if I wanted to grab dinner with her family on her birthday on a Friday night. Now this is where I screw up a bit. At the time, I thought that would be extremely awkward since I had not been talking with her for too long (like it’s been maybe a week after not talking for 7 years) and I did not think I’d be comfortable to sit alone for dinner with her entire family with no one else around. And so I made up an excuse not to go. I can confidently say that is one of the biggest regrets that I have throughout all of high school.

I most likely hurt her feelings because if she wanted me (a person she basically met a week ago) to spend time with her on her birthday, she probably genuinely enjoyed spending time with me. Looking back on it, I know I’m an absolutely awful person. I lied to her (even though she doesn’t know it) and didn’t want to be a good friend just because I thought the situation would make me feel uncomfortable. I did my best to make up for it: sending her birthday wishes and giving her a small present when I saw her the following Monday at school. She never held anything against me since she thought I had EMT class then, and we continued to be friends right until the end of senior year where we said our goodbyes. But I still don’t forgive myself for lying to her like that. And thinking back on it, I would have really liked to get that birthday dinner with her and her family. I would be absolutely crushed if one of the people I ask to hang out with on my birthday makes up an excuse not to go out. So in an effort to never make this same mistake again, I am making it my goal to push myself into uncomfortable situations and spend time with people even if I think it will be awkward. There’s nothing I can be more thankful for than having people in my life who genuinely want to spend time with me. I really hope that I can make up for this somehow in the future; not entirely sure how, but I’ll do my best.